Well, it's time once again for the prestigious annual Hollywood circle jerk that we call the Oscars. (A.K.A. the only thing that makes me put off viewing The Walking Dead.) Yes, the stars have come out to shine! And preen, mug, bloviate, etc. Just who will take home the big prize this year? The story about a President desperately trying to do the right thing and secure his legacy (Zero Dark Thirty), the exploits of a couple of mental patients training for a dance contest (Django Unchained), or the extreme close ups of singing people pretending to be French (Amour)? Or maybe one of the other nominated films?
I have seen very few of the nominated films this year, so I largely can't comment on the merits of them. But the fact that The Avengers only got one paltry nom in a technical category - and not nods all across the board - reinforces my view that the Oscars are a sham. In my heart the film has already won the Oscar for Best Picture Ever Made. (Apologies to Highlander.) Also completely overlooked: Bernie, The Cabin in the Woods, and Blue Like Jazz. COME ON!
It wouldn't be the Oscars without a lot of chatter about red carpet fashion! Yeah, well, unless someone is wearing something goofy like a swan dress, I don't really care about all that. But I will say that I'm currently wearing a shirt by Anton "Piggly" Wiggly, pants by House of Simpsons, and slippers by Louis Dockers.
Per usual, I'll be live blogging the ceremony here in the comments section. I invite you to join in the snark and comment along. Feel free to talk smack about what movies and actors you hate (true story: not everyone likes Anne Hathaway), who you love, what a mess the telecast is, who you are wearing, your predictions, the most glaring snubs, etc. (I'll also post some exceptionally funny tweets that I come across during the night; do the same, if you want. Twitter was made for events like this.)
Bring on the glitz, glamor, and phoniness!
93 comments:
Billy Crystal looks WONDERFUL.
Don't you DARE make fun of J-Law.
Slow down, Seth. I'm jotting this down for future use.
Huzzah! I just unlocked the Seth MacFarlane Sings a Standard sticker from GetGlue!
Shat.
Serious question: Is the Seth MacFarlane/EW feud still a thing?
Deniro played an Eagles superfan? But he wasn't throwing any batteries in that clip. I'm not buying his performance.
Whoa. Christoph Waltz upset. Bully for him. I really need to see Django.
Adam Carolla is really, really happy (and vindicated) right now.
Jack Nicholson, I know you're Jack Nicholson and all, but take off the sunglasses. You just look silly. At least get some age appropriate, huge black ones to go over your eyeglasses.
Micah's mancrush ahoy!
Woo-hoo! I'm 1-2 in the pool. "Paperman" was a delightful little cartoon. No snark. Watch it.
I thought "Cats" would have more, you know, cats.
The Life of Pi: It's grrrrrreat!
Beasts of the Southern Wild: a nice, if very slow, little film that I will probably never watch ever again.
Avengers! Our movie made more money than every other movie represented in this room combined. Suck it.
Look! Hawkeye actually did something!
Lincoln's cinematographer also shot the Vanilla Ice movie Cool As Ice. Seriously. Look it up.
Congratulations, Gandalf the Young!
Glaring omission of mine: I should've mentioned in my blog post that Michael Fassbender should've gotten a nod for his role in Prometheus. The movie was okay, but he was excellent in it. Look it up.
Patton Oswalt on Twitter: "They just JAWS/BONANZA'ed you." = new slang for "shut the fuck up"
Right now I'm seriously questioning my decision to not watch the Walking Dead.
Heh heh. Halle Berry said "galore".
Steve Martin on Twitter: Oh, so now I'm no longer one of the most beautiful women in the world.
Max Power! He's the man with the name that you want to touch! But you MUSTN'T touch!
So, is anyone actually reading these? Just wondering if I should break out my A game or take a break and eat sriracha potato chips.
*crickets*
Guess that answers my question. Potato chip time!
NOW maybe he'll actually fight wolves with broken bottle fists. PLEASE.
I still want to see Argo, but Affleck could've tried a little harder to make it look like Boston.
Lincoln joke.
Osama bin Laden joke.
Joel McHale on Twitter: Ben Affleck's tux is by Armani, his shoes are by Gucci, and his beard is by See I'm A Director Now.
Sarah Kogod on Twitter: Instead of Jaws music, they should have Dikembe Mutombo run out and smack the statue away when speeches run long.
Billy Eichner on Twitter: This is the gayest thing I've ever seen and I once got a hand job while watching Smash.
This performance is giving me 30 odd foot of grunts.
I'm getting bored with this. Just sayin'. Somebody come in here and talk to me.
Listening to Skyfall was a delight.
S.E. Cupp on Twitter: Jeez, were all these sound winners the bad guy in the painting from Ghost Busters II?
Yeah...I got nothin'.
Is this the song about Adele being dumped by James Bond?
yes, yes it is micah.. ;)
SOMEONE'S HERE! Suzann, who are yo wearing?
Tom Lennon on Twitter: I choreographed this Adele number.
Fresca break!
I am very fashionable in my Dubois Bookstore (a Cincy bookstore) Univ of Cincinnati sweatshirt and black yoga pants, by womens foot locker.... huge fashion risk! ;)
Does Kristen Stewart want to be *anywhere*?
no, no she doesn't
Did anyone else just expect the old guys from The Muppets to pop out of those skyboxes?
TANK!!! Who are you wearing?
And Suzann, you're doing an excellent job of being my sidekick.
speaking of muppets, i had the pleasure of watching the great muppet caper today on HUB... and to answer your question yes I really wanted to see statler and waldorf make some snarky comment
Statler and Waldorf rock. I babysat a friend's kid this past fall and we watched The Muppets Take Manhattan. It still holds up.
Come on, Bane. Do it now!
so how are you rating Babs's performance/ look?
Thumbs up.
Not a fan, so I was catching up on Twitter. But all the way over here I could hear NYC and Florida erupting in applause.
Objectively speaking. Can't really stand her or the song, but it was a good performance.
Isn't it a bit too soon to pay tribute to Chicago? (Excepting, of course, if the cast died in a plane crash or something.)
wait... scarlett johansen sings...?
In other words: "You guys ain't got a prayer, so you don't get a live performance. You get a brief clip. It's Adele's world. You're just living in it, suckas."
well they decided to do an ode to musicals of the last decade... so there's that...
and norah jones gets to pop in adele's world got to make sure we keep the appearance of "fairness"
RE: ScarJo. Yep. Her first album was a Tom Waits cover record and it sucked. But her follow up (which was actually recorded prior to her debut) - a duet album with Pet Yorn - was pretty good.
http://youtu.be/4Azg50mvfVg
Good for Adele. It's about time she had some success.
Anyone else think Alison Brie could be Adele's skinny American cousin?
Tom Lennon on Twitter: If Batman had a nemesis who fell into a vat of grapefruit juice, she would look like #reneezellweger
Tank - Your ideas intrigue me and I would like to subscribe to your newsletter.
(Maybe my favorite Simpsons quote. Today, at least.)
Charlize isn't Monster-ugly or anything, but she really needs to grow her hair back out.
Charlize. Yowza.
She can get it.
Tarantino and Charlize are neighbors? I'm picturing him coming over to her house to borrow a Kangol.
The Sklar Brothers on Twitter: Said it before, but it bears repeating, Tarantino is becoming Jaws from Moonraker. #oscars
Aben Eubanks (whoever that is) on Twitter: "Charlize Theron. That's all a married man can say about that."
What were live events like before Twitter? I honestly can't remember.
probably a lot like life before cell phones...
Does this mean that I have to watch Life of Pi now?
Nope. Can't remember anything before cell phones, either.
Haven't seen Silver Linings Playbook, but come on, J-Law! #nohomo
i was going for Quvenzhane Wallis... but good for J-law
Good for J-Law.
I thought Beasts was okay - didn't live up to the hype for me - but the little girl was really good in it.
J-Law. Yup yup.
And I just referred to her as "little girl" because I haven't added Quvenzhane to my spellcheck yet.
Still need to see Flight. I've heard good things.
Jen Kirkman on Twitter: Why is Daniel Day Lewis Morrissey tonight?
Watching these types of events would be much more tolerable if I lived on the West Coast. Getting up for work in the morning's a real drag.
DDL...all he does is win Oscars.
ASK ABOUT THE DRONE STRIKES.
The Obamas have a great film career ahead of them.
Mollie Hemingway on Twitter: For the first time in my adult Oscar watching life, I'm embarrassed for my country.
Bully for Argo. I still need to see that one.
is it wrong that when i see Grant (the 3rd guy) all i can think of is, True Lies?
Ben Affleck has a good career ahead of him as the Micro Machines guy.
Ha. Good one, Suzann.
Sean O'Neal on Twitter: "Even if you're knocked down, and you're making millions for bad movies and having sex w/ Jennifer Lopez, you've gotta get back up"
Alright, I'm going to bed. This was fun. Thanks for the memories, Suzann and Shawn.
Where is the Like button on this damn site?
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