The funniest commentary ever about this "sport"

NASCAR Coach Reveals Winning Strategy: 'Drive Fast'

"Turn left...keep turning left...go straight...go fast." Hilarious.

Requiem for the Colorcast

R.I.P. Tom Snyder, 1936-2007.



Here's to scoring that interview with God.

If that's movin' up, then I'm movin' out

This weekend I had to get my stuff out of storage in Columbus and put it in storage in Richmond*. Loading it into the rental truck wasn't that bad because a) all of my junk was centrally located and b) there were three people helping me. The whole affair was done in less than an hour.

For some reason, I figured that I could do the same work by myself almost as quickly when I reached my ultimate destination. Having driven 8.75 hours and eaten only beef jerky during my trip, the two hours I spent unloading were trying. And then a severe thunderstorm interupted my work. Six hours later - around midnight - I resumed my unloading. By then it was after midnight and both sets of clothes that I wore were soaked (the first from sweat, the second from sweat and precipitation).

One reason I went it alone was that I didn't want to inconvenience anyone. Screw 'dat. Next time I'm going to pull a Keith Hernandez and bug all of y'all to help me move, no matter how well I know you.

*Specifically, Petersburg. Even more specifically, my Dad's car hole.

Music is my aeroplane

This weekend I got to experience a new airline: Skybus. While I didn't get in on their $10 fare (far from it: I waited until the last minute, so my ticket cost $150), it was a pleasant experience.

Pros:

• Sexy stews! Three fourths of them were lookers who, as the Flight of the Conchords sing, could be part-time models. Like, say, for the Target weekly newspaper insert.
• New planes. No wings falling off here.

Cons:

• There's only one flight out of RIC and it's at 8 am. Ugh.
• No assigned seating. I was praying that I wouldn't get a middle seat (and I didn't, luckily).
• They charge for soft drinks. It wasn't much of an issue on my hour-long flight, but if it were any longer, I wouldn't want to plop down $2 for some carbonated sugar water.

Indifferent:

• When you get a seat they hand you a catalog. Turns out that they sell things like watches and perfumes on the plane. Weird.
• Looks like they want their planes to resemble something out of NASCAR. The stew's "Welcome to Columbus" spiel was punctuated with an "if you would like to sponsor this message, please see a member of the flight crew." Hey, if it keeps fares down, I'm all for it. It's not like I'll yell "sell out!" if the welcome is brought to me by Chocowhip*.

Overall, it was a good experience although, as my cousin noted, the cheap seats allow for the proletariat to fly. I don't know if I like that.

And, for those that care, my streak of listening to John Wesley Harding's "Window Seat" while flying remains unbroken.

*"Chocowhip, chocolate-flavored whip topping. It's sweet and fluffy. Mmmm, Chocowhip!"

And Angelina Jolie plows the fields...

Looking for a time waster? Try playing 3rd World Farmer. I suck at it right now, but I'm determined to one day give my family electricity.

Best. Caricature. Ever.

Hi, everybody!

Yes, that is the Simpsons version of me. You can make your own at the movie's site or convert a photo at Simpsonize Me (which is down at the moment).

I was going to go for the Geek Trifecta* and make this Simpsons Week at MW, but I've got too much junk to do this week, what with my trip to Columbus this weekend to bring all of my stuff back to Virginia. Maybe I'll cook something up for the week of the film's DVD release.

*Remember Zombie Week and Star Wars Week?

Crush of the Week: Elisha Cuthbert

This week's Crush is actress Elisha Cuthbert, probably best known as the Kim-possibly dim daughter of Jack Bauer.


Looking for a cougar?


I figured that after the critical and popular beatdown (7%!) her latest movie recieved last week she could use some positivity.

My car's farfegnugen has been restored

As many (or some) of y'all know, I've been having transmission problems with my car dating back to last July. I took it into the shop and none of the proposed "fixes" did anything, so, frustrated, I kept on driving it. Then it really started acting up earlier this year, so I resumed the search for the miracle cure. I've been without my car for the past few months and have depended on the kindess of my mom (borrowing her car) and spydrz (rides to work and such) for a long stretch before renting a car for the past three weeks.

And then yesterday I got my car back. It's purring along and seems to drive like new. And I'm loving it. The only thing is that the shop had to put a new battery in, so my radio is now locked. You know I need music around me constantly*, so it's a bit annoying. But I'm back, baby.

That being said, I'm pretty confident that this will be my last Volkswagen. Sure, I love driving the Jetta (when it works), but I found out the hard way that a) its parts are expensive and b) not everyone services it**. Besides, why would I go back when there's such an awesome car as the FJ Cruiser out there?

*Playing as I type this: CCR's "Someday Never Comes"
**This last go round, the first four places that I called said that they don't work on VWs, so I had to return to my original shop.

To all of my BFFs

Over the past couple of days, two friends text messaged me (one of which was sending dinner plans). And I don't text. I've managed to hang onto the same cell phone for 4 years now and its text capabilities are cumbersome, in that when I receive a message I don't simply have to look at the screen to read it. No, I have to connect to the internet (or whatever) and go through several pages, which takes way too much time for any message other than "come over for booty call"* to be worth it. Not to mention that I don't have texting built into my cell phone plan, so it costs me extra to just receive messages.

So, folks, I implore you, don't text me until I get a new phone (maybe this autumn). Thanks.

I'll spare you my rant about how much I find texting language and the related abbreviations annoying and a cultural regression. I'll just say that in 40 years, the State of the Union address is going to resemble something out of Idiocracy.

*I've never received said message.

Maury Povich is a jerk

Here's one way to cure someone's phobia of cotton: bring out the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man.

Addendum to my morbid thoughts

So, today at work I was thinking about my funeral again and realized I left something out of my plans: as people are filing in for my service/celebration, I don't want that staid organ music playing. Blech! I want some more celebratory songs to be playing, such as Frank Sinatra's "My Way", Neil Diamond's "Hell Yeah", House of Freak's "Remember Me Well", and Lou Reed's "Good Night, Ladies".

Make it happen.

Small wonder

The New 7 Wonders of the World were recently announced and noticeably absent is Scarlett Johansson.


Yet another excuse to post her picture...

This organization has lost all of its credibility.

Best quote ever this week

"I get [that] you don't like the album. You're 80; you're not supposed to like my album." - Kelly Clarkson to her label boss Clive Davis.

Crush of the Week: Carla Gugino

This week's Crush is actress Carla Gugino. She came to mind recently when I watched Night at the Museum over the weekend.



The only other thing that I thought I had seen in her was Sin City (where she gets gloriously nekkid), but after I checked her IMDB page I realized that she's been in a bunch of things, including a mutliple episode story arc on "Entourage".

Micah World Top 25

Here they are, the top 25 songs burning up my iPod (as of 7.11.06):

1. "Love You" - Jack Ingram
2. "You Know I'm No Good" - Amy Winehouse
3. "Feed the Tree" - Belly
4. "Everybody Knows You Cried Last Night" - The Fratellis
5. "Grace Kelly" - Mika
6. "P Control" - Prince
7. "Polkarama!" - "Weird Al" Yankovic
8. "You're Pitiful" - "Weird Al" Yankovic
9. "That's Not Me" - The Beach Boys
10. "Clocks"* - Coldplay
11. "Ladies and Gentlemen...'The Let's-Go-Out-Tonits'" - Butch Walker
12. "Bethamphetimine (Pretty Pretty)" - Butch Walker
13. "Song Without a Chorus" - Butch Walker
14. "Rich People Die Unhappy" - Butch Walker
15. "I Knew You Before" - Dustin Kensrue
16. "Sink to the Bottom" - Fountains of Wayne
17. "Hey Julie" - Fountains of Wayne
18. "Flathead" - The Fratellis
19. "Baby Fratelli" - The Fratellis
20. "God's Cop" - Happy Mondays
21. "Sitting, Waiting, Wishing" - Jack Johnson
22. "Baby's Coming Back to Me" - Jarvis Cocker
23. "LDN" - Lily Allen
24. "We Hate It When Our Friends Become Successful" - Morrissey
25. "I'd Be Lonesome" - Old 97's

Not as varied as the last chart (lots of Butch Walker and the Fratellis; the latter's an especially fun summer rock record). How the heck did Belly hit #3?!

*This is the Rhythms del Mundo: Cuba version where the original vocal is used over top of new music created by members of the Buena Vista Social Club. I like.

Mmmm, that's good Squishee!

Who needs the Kwik-E-Mart?

Yesterday, a co-worker and I took a late-afternoon Squishee break. By now, you've probably heard of 7-Eleven turning a handful of their stores into Kwik-E-Marts. Unfortunately, I don't live near any of said stores, but at least I am subject to the Simpsons' "reverse product placement."


Unfortunately, I didn't get a jagged metal Krusty O in my box.

My bounty: a six pack of Buzz Cola, a box of Krusty O's, and Homer's favorite donut. Today I may go back for another Squishee (Woo Hoo Blue!) and get a collector's cup. I just wish they had Duff beer and Laramie cigarettes, among other things.

Those marketing people are geniuses, I tells ya.

I killed mine behind the Pep Boys

Public Airings 74907-C, Rep. Ingersol's Murder Of A Hobo

This cracks me up. I'm glad my finding the killing of hobos funny has been validated by one of the biggest names in comedy.

And then he ate 35 gallons of potato salad...

Our great nation once again dominated the sport of kings. That's right, American Joey Chestnut won the Annual Nathan's Fourth of July International Hot Dog Eating Contest, beating six time champion Takeru Kobayashi. To win, Chestnut downed a gut-busting 66 hot dogs in 12 minutes.

God bless America.

Happy Independence Day!

As always, I turn to the Simpsons: "Celebrate the independence of your nation by blowing up a small part of it."

I have a tub of frozen margaritas in the freezer, so I don't know if I'll be able to make it to the fireworks.

J'Accuse!

Credit due: my brother

Caroline No

A fitting end to my travelogue.

Good Vibrations

Uncle Chuck sizes up the contestants.

Friday night's main event was the annual Biggest Roach Contest. Roaches, er Palmetto Bugs, are everywhere in Hilton Head. So, years ago we figured if you can't beat 'em, might as well use 'em for our enjoyment and the contest was born. Aunt Barb produced this year's winner, at 1 3/16" (kinda puny compared to winners of yesteryear).