Like kittens? Like Vikings? Like Zeppelin?

Then you'll love this. I used to think of Jack Black in School of Rock when I heard that song. Not anymore.

Credit due: Spydrz

Crush of the Week: Anna Benson

This week's Crush is freaky baseball wife Anna Benson. New York's loss is Baltimore's gain. Kind of makes you proud to be an Orioles fan.


Batter...Batter...Schwing!

Admittedly, I didn't put much thought into this week's Crush. It's a beautiful spring day and I'm preoccupied with packing (among other things). She is on the cover of the latest issue of FHM laying nearby. So, there you go.

Pencils down.

I just finished taking VH1's Pop Culture I.Q. Test. If the bar exam required copious amounts of useless knowledge gained from years of reading "Entertainment Weekly", watching E! and VH1, and scanning internet message boards, I'd already have made partner in Crane, Poole & Schmidt.

Statistically, I don't think I answered enough questions correctly to be in the fifth percentile, which makes you eligible to participate in "The World Series of Pop Culture" (why did I choose "Anthony Edwards" when the answer was "Timothy Busfield"?). They don't give you your results, but I think I scored somewhere between 80% and 90%. Hopefully, a "Best Week Ever" producer will happen upon my scores and offer me a job.

If you missed out on the 7 p.m. exam, you can still take it at 10 p.m. EST.

Hump Day News Round-Up

• A husband murdered a woman by suffocating her with a ceramic decorative plate. The Franklin Mint says that previous plates used in homicides have been known to increase over 200% in value (not a guarantee).
  
• Hooters Air goes tits up.
  
• An armless New Zealand man was stopped for speeding. Dude, he's got no arms. Give him a break.
  
• Americans' use of profanity is on the rise. Well, no shit.

Bye Bye, Bluths

It's official: "Arrested Development" is dead.


COME ON!

Sad news, but at least it went out before its quality started to decline. Also nice that most of the plotlines were wrapped up nicely.

Now we can all concentrate on "The Office".

Lightning bolt! Lightning bolt! Sleep! Death!

Whenever life gets you down, Mrs. Brown, just be thankful you aren't like these guys. I saw this video a few years ago and I couldn't stop laughing. I figured it had to be on YouTube and sure enough...

(I realize that appropriating a Monty Python song makes me geeky, but at least I don't do live action RPGs.)

Colbert meets Kareem

Check out this video of Stephen Colbert's Hiphopketball 2: Rejazzabration Remix 06 (the sequel to Hiphopketball: A Jazzabration). The sight of Colbert and Kareem Abdul-Jabaar together cracks me up. When Jimmy Fallon was on SNL, I gave him crap for ALWAYS busting character, but for some reason, I find it funny when Colbert does it.

For those who see a trend of me using Colbert videos as blog filler, A) you're right and B) he's hilarious.

99 Luftballons on the wall, 99 luftballons...

VH1 Classic will be airing Nena's "99 Luftballons"/"99 Red Balloons" video continuously for an hour today at 2 p.m. EST. Strange, but it's for charity.

For $35k (the amount of the donation), I could think of other videos that I'd want to see on a loop: Warrant's "Cherry Pie" comes to mind.

Quick movie reviews

Shopgirl: Steve Martin goes dramatic a la Bill Murray. And I loved it.
The Chronicles of Narnia: the Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe: I've never read the C.S. Lewis stories, so I went into this erotic thriller fresh and was thoroughly entertained. Aslan's supposed to represent Buddha, right?
V for Vendetta: Didn't love it. Didn't hate it. 99% of the time Hugo Weaving's V speaks behind a non-moving mask, which reminded me of the silliest part of Spider-Man (when Spidey and the Green Goblin have their conversation).
In Good Company: I meant to review this last year when I first caught it on DVD. It was completely mismarketed as a romantic comedy. The movie's actually about the conflict between an aging magazine exec and his much younger boss. You should see it simply because it stars Scarlett Johansson (which is a good enough reason to see any movie of hers).
Running Scared: VERY brutal, but entertaining. It contains one of the biggest "WTF?!" twists that I've ever seen. The best review comes from comedian Patton Oswalt:

"I saw RUNNING SCARED last week. Although I don't exactly feel like I 'saw' it. I feel like it yelled at me for two hours and the crushed by balls with a can of baked beans.

Is it playing near you? Better run out and see it. 'Cuz it ain't gonna be playing much longer. RUNNING SCARED, as a film, feels like it was written by the idea of anal trauma, filmed by un-lubed rape, and directed by the smell of a pedo-priest's death poo.

Have I mentioned I loved it?"

(Check the link for a funny anecdote about a couple that walked out of the movie.)

Choose my dinner

While you are mulling over what to name the dog, you can help me decide what to fix for dinner: She-Crab Soup, Clam Chowder, or Crab Norfolk.

Leave your choice in the comment section by 7:00 pm. Whichever one receives a plurality of votes I'll make for dinner.

This dog needs a name

MW commenters Shamrock and KPMD will soon be hearing the pitter-patter of little paws around their new house. They were approved to be parents of a rescued male hound/pit mix and will be receiving him this Saturday.

They requested that you, dear readers, come up with a name for the lil' guy. Leave your entries in the comments section for this post and, if there is one that they like, they will use it. The person who comes up with the winning name will be awarded a meal at Chik-Fil-A or, if he/she cannot make it to the Philadelphia area, a gift certificate to the fast food restaurant of the winner's choosing. The contest will be open until Wednesday, March 29, 2006.

The couple reserves the right to name the dog themselves if no suitable entry is provided.

He wishes he was as talented as Shaq Diesel

Now a Cowboy, T.O. has seen fit to record a hip-hop song (right click-save as). Ugh.

In other (more talented) music band news, here is a streaming video of the Flaming Lips performing "Bohemian Rhapsody" at SXSW. Boy, does that look like a fun show (it would've been nice if the audio was taken from the soundboard, but you take what you can get).

Also on that page is a link to the new K-Fed song, but I haven't ventured there yet. Radio won't even play his jam.

Credit due: I snagged all of the above links from the Relevant magazine site.

Crushes of the Week: mid-90's ska chicks

This week's Crushes are mid-90's ska chicks. In my neverending task of uploading music to my iPod, I was recently reminded of a musical trend that I used to be into during my college years: female-fronted ska groups.



Above are the women of No Doubt (Gwen Stefani), Dance Hall Crashers (Elyse Rogers and Karina Denike), and Save Ferris (Monique Powell). And although not the band's singer, I also had a thing for Five Iron Frenzy saxophonist Leanor Ortega (hard to find a good-sized pic of her).

Hump Day News Round-Up

• The Hell's Angels are suing Disney for trademark infringement in the movie studio's upcoming Tim Allen/John Travolta film Wild Hogs. The group is seeking compensatory damages in the form of - I am not making this up - 400 cases of Miller Genuine Draft and some "really sticky bud".
  
• Airlines lost 30 million bags in 2005. Luckily, mine wasn't among them.
  
• Susan Sarandon will portray Cindy Sheehan in an upcoming movie about the anti-war (among other things) activist. I am SHOCKED!
  
• You're born: Donald Trump sires another child.
  
• Richard Dreyfuss got married. This is notable (for me, at least) because the impromptu event occurred while he was in Harrisonburg, VA, for a speaking engagement at my sister's alma mater - James Madison University.
  
• A Utah man has been arrested for allegedly using dog shock collars to discipline his children. Sure, it's cruel, but I don't think the kids are pooping on the rug anymore.

If today is the second day of spring...

...then why does it look like pre-war Narnia* outside my window?

*Hyperbole, yes. But it's freakin' March.

The Burger King: terrorist or patriot?

"The kids don't wanna hear some weirdo book that your Nazi war criminal grandma read to you."

Some great news for fans of "The Office": this summer NBC will produce 10 internet-only episodes of the Best Comedy on Television (hey, I lurve "Arrested Development", but facts is facts).

And if you didn't catch it, last week's episode - "Take Your Daughter To Work Day" - was freakin' hilarious. Go to iTunes and buy it. Or download it illegally.

"Listen, I like kids. But this is not a kid's environment, this is like HBO. No limits. Who knows what I'm going to say? Crazy stuff. And it is R-rated. It is not rated G. I am like Eddie Murphy in 'Raw', and they are trying to make me into Eddie Murphy in 'Daddy Day Care'. Both great movies, but still."

---

"Kelly and I both agreed that we would both have fun, and I'm learning that fun for Kelly is getting married and having babies. Immediately. With me."

Micah World Top 25

Here they are, the top 25 songs burning up my iPod (as of 3.18.06):

1. "Knock Yourself Out" - Jon Brion
2. "All the Pretty Girls Leave Town" - Tim Easton
3. "Jesusland" - Ben Folds
4. "Bad Things" - Jace Everett
5. "Absolutely Cuckoo" - The Magnetic Fields
6. "Why Don't You Get a Job" - The Offspring
7. "Lua" - Bright Eyes
8. "Death Valley Queen" - Flogging Molly
9. "Tribulations" - LCD Soundsystem
10. "Rational Bohemian" - Mary Prankster
11. "Troublesome Kind" - Tim Easton
12. "Mr. Bad Example" - Warren Zevon
13. "War on Drugs" - Barenaked Ladies
14. "Don't Ask Me Why" - Billy Joel
15. "Fall Back Down" - Candy Butchers
16. "Devil's Pie" - D'Angelo
17. "Kiss Me I'm Shitfaced" - Dropkick Murphys
18. "Goodbye Yellow Brick Road" - Elton John
19. "Do It Better" - Happy Mondays
20. "Goodnight Goodnight" - Hot Hot Heat
21. "You Are What You Love" - Jenny Lewis with the Watson Twins
22. "Goth Girl" - John Wesley Harding
23. "William and Nancy's Parting" - John Wesley Harding
24. "Cocaine Blues" - Johnny Cash
25. "A.D.I.D.A.S." - Korn

There were a couple of position shifts and new additions from the last count.

"That's not a shillelagh!"*

Happy St. Patrick's Day! Go out and enjoy corned beef, cabbage, and Lucky Charms.



Just try to keep the drinking in check, lest you end up looking like Shane MacGowan.

*Alternative post title: "Erin Go Bra-less"

Scientologists have no sense of humor (part 875)

The ever nutty Tom Cruise has stepped into the Isaac Hayes/"South Park" flap. Comedy Central was supposed to rerun the Scientology episode of the show this past Wednesday, but didn't. Cruise reportedly went to Viacom and threatened to withdraw from promoting its upcoming Mission Impossible 3 film if the episode aired. Viacom caved and ordered Matt Stone and Trey Parker not to discuss why the episode was yanked.

But the "South Park" guys issued this statement: "So, Scientology, you may have won THIS battle, but the million-year war for earth has just begun! Temporarily anozinizing our episode will NOT stop us from keeping Thetans forever trapped in your pitiful man-bodies. Curses and drat! You have obstructed us for now, but your feeble bid to save humanity will fail! Hail Xenu!!! - Trey Parker and Matt Stone, servants of the dark lord Xenu."

Oh, man. That is classic.

The Netherlands at bat

They're really trying to get me to follow baseball more closely. Last season it was the (not-so-triumphant) return of the game to Washington, DC. This year it's the World Baseball Classic. One of my minor hang-ups is that the World Series truly isn't, unless the world is America and Toronto (okay, I guess there's a case to be made for that). But there is great talent all over the globe, which is evident by the US's unfortunate losses in the WBC. This is a world series.

It also brings a joyful tear to my eye to witness even the most Communist country's love for our national pastime. Maybe we'll get a defection or two out of this. Sure, baseball is not as pure as it used to be (*cough* Barry Bonds), but at least it's not soccer.

I am an advertising auteur

I have spent probably too much time making my own commercial. I feel so dirty (and sweaty). The beats by the X-Ecutioners are dope, though.

New rules

I admit it. I love watching "Real Time with Bill Maher" every week. Sure, the panels usually go the "gang up on the conservative" route and Bill's tirades against religion get old, but I still enjoy it. And the best part are his "New Rules". Some choice ones from last week's episode:

New Rule: Until one of the winners of "America's Next Top Model" gets an actual modeling job, they can't use the name, "Top Model." These women seem nice, but they're not "top models," because they aren't breathtaking beauties, Eastern European or 12. So let's call the show what it actually is: "A Bunch of 9's Taking Shit From Tyra Banks."

New Rule: I'm sorry you got beaten up by Yanni, but when you roll with a brother this motherfuckin' hardcore, you can't call 5-0 when he plays a little rough.

New Rule: The only drug sold at Wal-Mart should be pot in the parking lot. Wal-Mart has announced that they will now dispense the "morning-after" contraceptive pill, because nothing says to a young lady, "I really care," like a trip to Wal-Mart. Besides, Wal-Mart shoppers already have access to the most effective form of birth control: watching how children behave at Wal-Mart.

New Rule: Stop saying "Brokeback Mountain" lost Best Picture because of a homosexual backlash. The only homosexual backlash in Hollywood involves an actual homosexual literally hitting you on the back with a lash. Besides, if "Brokeback Mountain" taught us anything, it's that there's nothing wrong with coming in number-two.

That last line almost had me do a spit-take with my drink.

Beware the Crush of the Week: Bridgette Wilson

This week's Crush is actress Bridgette Wilson. I saw Shopgirl yesterday (enjoyable flick; Steve Martin does a great dramatic turn) and she played the "malicious bitch" role.


No milk will ever be our milk.

Bridgette Wilson. So hot. Want to touch the hiney. (Kinda makes you want to take up tennis.)

Beware the Hump Day News Round-Up

• That's one big Whammy: "Press Your Luck" host Peter Tomarken and his wife died in a plane crash.
  
• Red China has banned programs and movies that mix live action and animation from being broadcast on the country's television channels. Just when you think the Commies can't get any kookier...
  
• More women watched the Super Bowl than the Oscars (40 million and 23 million, respectively). Interesting.
  
• Williams-Sonoma is being sued for appropriating the term "Fluffernutter". Any negative press inflicted upon marshmallows (vile!) is fine by me. The only marshmallows that I like are those in breakfast cereals and their classification as such is tenuous at best.
  
• Allow me to introduce you to the littlest racist. I don't know about you, but this white devil finds her hate speech cute as a button.

Beware the Ides of March

TREASURE BATH!!!

It's maaaaaaaaaadness

I set up a Micah World group in Yahoo's March Madness pool. If you think you should've received an invitation, you likely did. I used their invite system, but fear that either: a) the e-mail will go directly into people's junk mail or b) they won't recognize me as the sender ("linus316"). So, check your e-mail, folks, and join the fun. Picks need to be made by 12:30 pm on Thursday.

(BTW, if you didn't get an invitation and really want in, drop me a line.)

Two hour window for free coffee

Heads-up to all of the caffeine addicts: tomorrow is the first "Starbucks Coffee Break", where the java monolith will be offering free 12 oz. cups of joe from 10 am until noon.

Scientologists have no sense of humor (part 874)

Goodbye, children!

After voicing the character of Chef since 1997, Isaac Hayes has quit "South Park": "There is a place in this world for satire, but there is a time when satire ends and intolerance and bigotry towards religious beliefs of others begins."

Sure. Since day one the show has derived much of its humor from poking fun at Christians (Catholics, born agains, etc.), Jews, Mormons, Muslims, Hindus, Shintos, etc. Just a coincidence that Hayes - a Scientologist - pulls out after they do an episode about his "church"?

"South Park" co-creator Matt Stone: "This has nothing to do with intolerance and bigotry and everything to do with the fact that Isaac Hayes is a Scientologist and that we recently featured Scientology in an episode of 'South Park.' In ten years and over 150 episodes of 'South Park,' Isaac never had a problem with the show making fun of Christians, Muslims, Mormons and Jews. He got a sudden case of religious sensitivity when it was his religion featured on the show. To bring the civil rights struggle into this is just a non-sequiter. Of course we will release Isaac from his contract and we wish him well."

In a classic F.U., Comedy Central is running said episode this Wednesday night. I'm going to miss his chocolate salty balls.

At last I can join the Nation of Islam (or possibly Chippendales)

You can call me Prof. Micah if you're nasty. After watching Dead Poets Society recently, I decided to take some time and finally learn how to tie the bow tie my sister and brother-in-law got me the Christmas before last. Now, I know that each knot should be endearingly askew and have its own personality, but I still need to work on my technique. I'm digging the Tucker Carlson/Moe Syzlak look. And when you combine the bow tie, beard, corduroy jacket, scotch, and pipe, I think I there's a new adjective that can be applied to me: tweedy.

I definitely have to hit up the Brooks Brothers outlet and stock up, so I can be referred to as "the bow tie guy".

Note: Blogger has been excruciatingly slow and bug-ridden for me as of late, so that's why my posts and comments have been so rare. Hopefully, they'll get their act together soon and it'll be business as usual here at Micah World.

"What are you gonna make me do? Whack a guy? Off a guy? Whack off a guy?"

Lately I've been pretty ambivalent towards the looming sixth season premiere of "The Sopranos" because I absolutely love the show, yet I thought the 21 month wait in between seasons to be infuriating. But after rewatching season five this past week, I'm actually excited. Here are the top five reasons why I'm looking forward to the return of "The Sopranos":

5. My bloodlust gets a quench
4. Get to pepper my speech with crazy Italian terms like stugots, mulignan, and spaghetti
3. Excuse to eat copious amounts of (whole wheat) pasta on Sunday nights
2. Bada Bing girls
1. The hilarious comedy duo of Christopher Moltisanti and Paulie Walnuts

When you watch, you're family.

A few thoughts...

Time for me to pretend that I'm Larry King, sans the suspenders and ten marriages:

• Conan O'Brien's trip to Finland was hilarious. "Fagerstrom, I know you're in there!"
  
• In a few short hours March Madness officially begins. I'm officially excited. If there's any interest, I'll start a Micah World bracket for y'all to play in.
  
• Cantaloup, coffee, and the Sunday paper. The perfect breakfast?
  
• Packing up all of your possessions is not fun, especially if 95% of them are knick-knacks and media.
  
• I ran out of clean socks yesterday, making my longing for sandal weather even stronger.
  
• "Steal My Sunshine": I had another $1.99 nostalgia trip when I bought a used copy of Len's You Can't Stop the Bum Rush album this week. It's surprisingly eclectic, mixing pop, hip-hop, gospel, rock, and Kraftwerk-style electronic music. And you can't hate any album that features Biz Markie.
  
• Finally, FX's "Black. White" debuted (not that I watched). Now maybe the channel won't innudate me with promos when I watch "The Shield".
  
• "V-Dub holding it down on the engineering tip, yo": Volkswagen's funny, Germanic ad campaign reminds me of Spydrz. Check the ads here, here, and here.
  
• New episodes of "Family Guy" resume tonight. Finally.
  
• I'm getting sick of my beard and yet I do not shave it off.
  
• R.I.P. Harry Browne, the only Libertarian candidate for president that I've ever voted for.

Now back to the regular format.

Quick movie reviews

Grandma's Boy: A not-so-guilty pleasure of mine is a good, stoopid comedy (Super Troopers, Eurotrip, et al.). Despite factors in its favor (Nick Swardson*, Linda Cardellini, producer Adam Sandler, a premise that illuminates my very soul) this one was just dumb. I just don't find stoner humor funny. But it gets bonus points for having boobage and a chimp in it.
King Kong: Way too long, but I dug it. The man-woman-large ape love triangle was a bit creepy, though.
The Amityville Horror: Pointless remake that didn't bring the scary. Ryan Reynolds was surprisingly decent in a non-comedic role.
The Producers: I've never seen the Broadway production, but I can imagine Broderick and Lane's performances were exactly the same, as they really played to the balcony. It could've been toned down a bit. Uma Thurman was miscast, since the blonde bombshell role of "Ulla" should be played by someone, well, attractive.

*Hopefully his "Gay Robot" TV pilot will see the light of day.

That cool refreshing drink

Just in time for spring, I discovered a new drink: Presbyterian (aka Press)

1 1/2 oz Whiskey
Fill Ginger Ale and Club Soda
Pour into a glass filled with ice and garnish with a lemon twist. It's important to twist the lemon over the drink and then rub the outer peel on the rim of the glass.

Much love to the "Behind the Bar Show" podcast for the recipe.

I'm enjoying one right now while I work my way through season five of "The Sopranos" and smoke my pipe (picked up three new aromatic blends the other day: Key Largo, Honey Club, and Columbian Mocha).

There is another

"Help me, Lego Obi-Wan. You're my only Lego hope."

Old news to some, but I am REALLY looking forward to Lego Star Wars II: The Original Trilogy. The first one was a heckuva lot of fun (and one of the few video games I've actually completed). A chance to play as the Lego version of Han Solo? Aw, yeah.

Crush of the Week: Salma Hayek

This week's Crush is actress Salma Hayek. I've only seen four of her film (and enjoyed three of them), but still...



Stunning.

Hump Day News Round-Up

• It sure beats listening to his music: new age musician Yanni allegedly smacked his bitch up.
  
• The British Medical Association is calling for medical personnel to stop wearing neckties. Why exactly are people bitching about this?
  
• Barry Bonds juiced. Duh.
  
• "Watch my beer, honey. I'm going to the john and stir the soup": British bars and nightclubs have begun using vending machines that dispense sex toys.

One reason to be happy to be alive

I went to the grocery store today and pears are in season. See you later, scurvy.

And this woman wrote a children's book?

When asked by her daughter if she was gay because of her mom's liplocking at the MTV awards in 2003, Madonna explained the incident thusly: "No, it just means I kissed Britney Spears. I am the mommy pop star and she is the baby pop star. And I am kissing her to pass my energy on to her."

Ooooooooookay. I guess her daughter's not old enough to understand the concept of a fading pop star desperately trying to reclaim a part of the spotlight and a smidgen of relevancy. (Alternative quip: *insert obligatory jab at Kabbalah here*)

Speaking of Britney, in preparation for my move I've been dismantling my magazine archives and came across this issue of Esquire:



Let's bask in the warmth of Britney Classic.

Call off the suicide watch

I exchanged my busted DVR for a fully functioning one this afternoon.

Also, congratulations to KPMD, the winner of this year's Oscar pool. Thanks to everyone who entered and/or participated in last night's chat. It was a blast.

To paraphrase George Clooney, I'm proud to be part of this blogging community, proud to be out of touch.

"And the Oscar goes to...'Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo'"

"Two hours of sparkling entertainment spread over four hours" - Johnny Carson

It's finally here - Oscar Night (or as former Kid in the Hall Scott Thompson refers to it, "The Gay Superbowl"). It's time to find out what politically-charged films shunned by the general moviegoing public will take home the top honors. I predict that this will be the big winner:


Occasional MW commenter Shamrock and "friend"

To help you pass the time while you watch the red carpet arrivals, here are some goodies:

-a streaming video for one of my favorite singer-songwriter's cute lil' song "Gay Cowboy" (there was an mp3 of the song available at his site, but I can't find it now; let me know if you want it.)
-Actor and ghetto pass holder Michael Rapaport's hip-hop song "How To Rob An Actor" he made with the High & Mighty (Rapidshare link).

To answer everyone's question as to who I'm wearing, it's Adidas, Simple, and J.Crew.

Last year's chat was so much fun, it'll be hard to replicate. But we can try. So let the predictions, trash talk, and cattiness begin. We'll all be hetero in the morning.

Perfect timing

I woke up this morning to find that my DVR has crapped out (again). I'm getting no cable signal from it at all. Looks like I'll have to replace it (again) first thing tomorrow morning.

So, I'll have to watch the Oscars either: A) in my kitchen - which has a tiny cable TV and uncomfortable seats or B) in my office with a slightly bigger TV with sub-par reception.

To those in my Oscar pool, I've decided to sweeten the pot a little. In the event that I take the top spot at the end of the night, I will award the DVD to whoever came in second, unless there is a tie. Then I'll have to think of a tiebreaker, to be determined later.

BTW, this is not the official Oscar thread. I'll post that later on this afternoon. Just look for the gay cowboy.

State of the Union's eating habits

Another story that slipped by is Food Technology magazine's "What, Where and When America Eats" report. Among the findings:

• Three out of four Americans eat dinner at home, but 57 meals a year are takeout, either from restaurants or supermarkets.
  
• There are more Chinese restaurants in the United States than McDonald's, Wendy's, and Burger King combined.
  
• Coffee is the top breakfast food consumed: 53% of Americans drink it.
  
• One out of every five restaurant meals were purchased from a car.
  
• Italian, Mexican and Chinese remain the most popular ethnic cuisines overall, with Japanese coming in a distant fourth.
  
• 30% of consumers think restaurant portions are too large and 62% say there are not enough small portions available on menus.
  
• Dessert sales continue to erode, with desserts being ordered on only 26 percent of restaurant visits.

Wow. Kind of makes you think, doesn't it? Okay, it doesn't. But it's interesting. Kind of.

Alcohol, my permanent accessory

Going through my stacks of old newspapers (which I keep next to the kerosine and oily rags), one important story has fallen through the cracks of Micah World: Ohioan's ever increasing liquor consumption. The top ten liquors of 2005 held pretty steady from last year:

1. Kamchatka vodka
2. Jack Daniel's Old No. 7 Tennessee whiskey
3. Bacardi Light-Dry rum
4. Jagermeister liqueur
5. Absolut vodka
6. Captain Morgan spiced rum
7. Black Velvet Canadian whiskey
8. Jim Beam Straight bourbon
9. Korski vodka
10. Crown Royal Canadian whiskey

Yes, Russia's finest supermarket-grade vodka took the top spot once again. Also like last year, I take full responsibility for the state's alcohol consumption because of several key 2005 events:

1. Studied for my second bar exam
2. Didn't pass my second bar exam
3. My 30th birthday
4. Celebrating the above in Vegas
5. Spent seven months on a shitty temp assignment
6. The breakup of Nick and Jessica

The good news for Ohio: this time next year I will be in Virginia, no doubt raising the Commonwealth's alcohol consumption.

Not pictured: the bowl of soup her face fell into

Apparently, Ruth Buzzy Ginsberg nodded off during oral arguments of a case before the court this week. My first inclination is to ridicule her to no end, since I'm pretty much on the opposite side of every one of her opinions. But then I realized it's a freakin' political redistricting case, with nary a former Playmate of the Year in sight. Who wouldn't be fighting back a few winks?

"Joey, have you ever been to a Vietnamese prison?"

Gary Glitter (of the jock jam "Rock 'n' Roll Pt. 2") has been sentenced to 3 years in prison by a Vietnamese court for child molestation. His defense?

"[He] claimed he was teaching the girls English, allowing them to stay overnight because they were scared of ghosts."

Uh, sure. Gary, you should've just pulled a Roman Polanski and fled the country.

Looks like Mrs. Bob wasn't happy after all.

"Sexual-enhancement" pill maker Enzyte has settled a lawsuit by Ohio and other states for $5 million. It turns out that the company made unsubstantiated claims about the pill's effects.

Color me SHOCKED! Call me old fashioned, but when it comes to enlarging my member, I'll stick with hanging heavy stones from my junk*.

*It's my bag, baby.

I'm ready for a muy caliente St. Patrick's Day

I got a new hat today - a total impulse buy during one of my very infrequent Wal-Mart trips (I pledge almost total allegiance to Target, but I had a gift card). I'm not a beer drinker, as I prefer the hard stuff, but the only brand I do occasionally imbibe is Corona. I don't have a green cap and that is as good of an excuse as any to get it.

Micah World Top 25

Here they are, the top 25 songs burning up my iPod (as of 3.02.06):

1. "All the Pretty Girls Leave Town" - Tim Easton
2. "Jesusland" - Ben Folds
3. "Bad Things" - Jace Everett
4. "Why Don't You Get a Job" - The Offspring
5. "Lua" - Bright Eyes
6. "Death Valley Queen" - Flogging Molly
7. "Knock Yourself Out" - Jon Brion
8. "Tribulations" - LCD Soundsystem
9. "Absolutely Cuckoo" - The Magnetic Fields
10. "Rational Bohemian" - Mary Prankster
11. "Troublesome Kind" - Tim Easton
12. "War on Drugs" - Barenaked Ladies
13. "Don't Ask Me Why" - Billy Joel
14. "Devil's Pie" - D'Angelo
15. "Goodbye Yellow Brick Road" - Elton John
16. "Goodnight Goodnight" - Hot Hot Heat
17. "You Are What You Love" - Jenny Lewis with the Watson Twins
18. "A.D.I.D.A.S." - Korn
19. "The Bottle's Talking Now" - Mary Prankster
20. "Ignite" - Northern State
21. "Nothing Better" - The Postal Service
22. "Let's Kill Saturday Night" - Robbie Fulks
23. "You" - Shelby Starner
24. "Goodbye Girl" - Squeeze
25. "Knock-Down Drag-Out" - Weezer

A few shake-ups and new additions from the last count.

I'll sleep well tonight

My Spiders actually won a game (scoring 81 points!), the Buckeyes were victorious, and Duke lost.

I think I will celebrate with the adding of Maker's Mark to Diet Coke.

Crush of the Week: Tiffani Thiessen

This week's Crush is actress Tiffani Thiessen. I've had a thing for her since she was Kelly Kapowski on "Saved By The Bell".



I also dug her when she was on "Two Guys and a Girl" (hey, I liked that show). Anyway, she recently creeped back into my conscience because she was in some music video playing at my gym recently.

(In the spirit of Mardi Gras, this week's Crushes were going to be some notable debutantes, but I didn't really know where to look.)

Hump Day News Round-Up

• Along with his mother, a disabled teen was ejected from a showing of The Pink Panther for laughing too loudly. They have sought the ACLU's help in the matter. I dunno...I'm going to have to call bullshit on this suit. NO ONE laughs during the remake of that movie, disorder or not.
  
• A Sudanese man caught having sex with a goat has been forced to marry the animal. I don't care that it's PC to label the Sudan a "developing nation" - this story chalks up one point in the "third world" column.
  
• Researchers have found that ethnicity determines what kind of earwax one has. For instance, white people have really lame earwax.
  
• A 480 lb. woman (4'10"!) died after spending six years on a couch, her skin grafted to the fabric. Personally, I'd probably think after year one or two "Hey, I'm putting on a few too many el beez. Maybe I should switch to whole wheat Fig Newtons." But that's just me.
  
• Americans know more about "The Simpsons" than the First Amendment. A sad commentary on our society, sure. But I don't devote at least an hour of each day to following the exploits of the Bill of Rights.