Just call me Bleedin' Gums Micah

Now that I have insurance again, I figured why not go to the dentist? I haven't been since the Clinton administration and tartar buildup just ain't cool. So I had an appointment today for an exam and cleaning.

The good news: The streak continues! It's been 29 years and still no cavities. I gots no love for the Cavity Creeps. Also, I found out that my religious use of Plax for the past few years has been a waste of time and money. That'll save me a few bucks each month. Vegas, here I come!

The bad news: Tartar has left my gums bloodier than a steak cooked rare. Seriously, I can't shave and floss in the same day for fear of passing out from blood loss. I have to use this prescription mouthwash (!) for a couple of weeks to get them back into shape.

I almost don't want to eat because my teeth are so CLEAN (picture me rubbing my tongue across my teeth like in that old toothpaste commercial). But in a minute I'm going to grill out some Hebrew National hot dogs - the BEST consumer grade hot dogs available.

I also picked up some Premium Plus Crest White Strips, but I think I'll wait a few days before I start that. I should've asked if there'd be a conflict between that and my fluoride treatment, mouthwash, etc. I have a feeling that the dentist would have pimped his own expensive (and not covered on my insurance) whitening procedure, though.

Right about now, the funk soul brother

I love Big Beat. There, I said it. Oh, man, do I really dig those block rockin' beats. In my younger DJ days, that was my genre of choice. I didn't care that it was looked down upon and deemed "stupid advertising music." House music sucks. It's just not fun like a good Fatboy Slim party-starter. I still love the stuff, although the scene is gone and there's not much new Big Beat being produced nowadays. Stylus Magazine has a nice recent feature reminiscing about those halcyon days in the mid to late 90s. I have six of the eight seminal recordings that they profile. Does that make me a superfan? I may be forward thinking in many areas, but when it comes to dance music, I'm blissfully stuck in the past.

Nectar of the Gods

"Dating women on TV with the help of Chuck Woolery"

Recently, I've dusted off my Beastie Boys discs and listened to them a lot lately. The King Adrock's definitely my favorite of the three MCs in the group. With his goofy rhymes peppered with '70s and '80s pop culture references, he's like a hip-hop Tarantino. So I present you Adrock's 15 best lines and rhymes, in no particular order:

"Like a bottle of Chateau Neuf Du Pap/I'm fine like wine when I start to rap" - "Body Movin'"

"What you talkin' 'bout Willis? Who the illest?/You know my name's Adam, stop callin' me Phyllis" - "The Brouhaha"

"I'm the master blaster/drinking up the Shasta/my voice sounds sweet 'cause it hasta" - "Professor Booty"

"Yo what the falafel?/You gotta get up awful early to fool Mr. Furley" - "Oh Word?"

"I'm in the lab all day, I Scrabble all night/I got a Bedazzler so my outfit's tight" - "Shazam!"

"So I went into the locker room during classes/bust into your locker and I smashed your glasses" - "The New Style"

"Well I'm the king of Boggle, there is none higher/I get eleven points off the word 'quagmire'" - "Putting Shame in Your Game"

"Like eating burgers or chicken or you'll be picking your nose/I'm on time, homie, that's how it goes" - "Shake Your Rump"

"Now, I go by the name of the King Adrock/I don't wear a cup nor a jock/I bring the shit that's beyond bizarre/Like Miss Piggy, 'who moi?'" - "Ch-Check It Out"

"Well, it's 50 cups of coffee and you know it's on" - "Super Disco Breakin'"

"I don't mean to brag, I don't mean to boast/But I'm intercontinental when I eat French toast" - "The Move"

"Gnip Gnop, I got shit to pop/I'm an exceptional professional that just don't stop" - "3 The Hard Way"

"I went inside the deli and my man's like 'what?'/I write the songs that make the whole world suck" - "Unite"

"I'm an Iron Chef when I slice and dice/With the rhyme precise, the word is nice/So please pass me the Riunite on ice" - "Right Right Now Now"

"Sucker MC's, it's me they're resenting/In the animal kingdom they call it presenting" - "Hey Fuck You"

Don't tell me he's not up there with Burns, Keats, and Frost.

Who says TV isn't educational?

Thanks to a rerun of "King of the Hill," I recently found out that a "buckle bunny" is a rodeo groupie. My career options seem to grow with each new day.

Crush of the Week: DJ Rap

This week's Crush is DJ Rap (ne Charrissa Saverio). She's got a new album out (which I haven't heard yet) that supposedly gets back to her drum 'n' bass roots. Her 1999 album Learning Curve is still in my personal rotation ("F**K With Your Head" is an awesome song). And there's just something about a hot female DJ, you know?


Bad girl.

More DJ Rap goodness can be found at The Learning Curve.

EDIT: As a gesture of goodwill (and to help fill my free time), I'll send the aformentioned DJ Rap track to all who want it. Just leave me your e-mail if I don't have it.

A very Cincinnati day

The Nats realize they're sucking and have a conference.

Got back from my day trip not too long ago. While the Nationals lost 12-3 (ouch!), I still had a blast. We had great seats. Had two ballpark staples for lunch: a hot dog and peanuts. I got my very first Terrible Sunburn of the season. I learned about the existence of a new vegetable, but the name escapes me (it starts with a "j" but is prounounced with an "h" sound). I went to Skyline Chili for dinner (I had the low carb bowl, if you must know). And I visited an authentic Cincinnati Wal-Mart.

An actual exchange while shopping for aloe:
Me: This bottle's only $4. But this one is blue. And it's all glittery. I can look like a stripper!
Mindy: I think that's just the sticker on the back coming through the bottle.
Me: Oh.

Note to self: invent some sort of of aloe/body glitter combination. For dudes.

It's a beautiful day for a ballgame

In a matter of minutes I'll be driving down to Cincinnati to meet blog buddy Kate for the Reds/Nationals game. I'm excited as this is the first time I'll be seeing my beloved Nationals live. Sure, they lost the first two games of this series, but I have a feeling that the presence of my fandom in the ballpark today will give them the edge. After all, I've got a Nationals cap.

I'm intrigued

Earlier today, someone was referred to my blog through a Google search for "Han Solo T-shirt Che Guevara Style." Now, I've made my thoughts clear on this Che nonsense, but I'd like see to this shirt. Anything that pokes fun at hipster Commies is fine by me.

Jules Winnfield, hockey legend

Go here and click on the movie file titled "Hockey with Jules Winnfield." My man in Inglewood is a youth hockey coach.

"Do I look like a bitch? Do...I...look...like...a bitch? Then why are you skating for me like bitches?"

Credit due: Shamrock

Mmmmm, that's good Sith

Cartoon courtesy of Slate.com

I can't believe that I forgot to tell this lil' anecdote: During my freshman year of college, I convinced my best friend that Barry White was the voice of Darth Vader. If that were indeed true, the Empire would've been totally sexified.

Well, I saw Episode III on Friday. Surprisingly, there was only one guy with a lightsaber in the theater. I agree with others in that this movie is definitely the best of the three prequels (it still can't touch Empire, though). A few thoughts (minor SPOILERS):


***************


-Nice to see R2D2 kick so much ass.
-I thought that Anakin's crossover to the Dark Side to be a bit too quick. He seemed to put as much thought into that monumental choice as deciding between soup and salad. My friend's theory is that once Anakin sliced off Mace Windu's hand he realized that there was no turning back. Eh, I guess I can buy that.
-George Lucas definitely has a fetish for cutting off appendages. I wonder if that's how he gets his jollies.
-So that's why it happens: Anakin becomes evil for a fine piece of tail.
-My favorite part? Three words: James. Earl. Jones.

A crazy prediction

Now I may be nuts, but I think Episode III just might have the legs to be the #1 film this weekend.

$50 million on Thursday alone? Yeah.

Lego my Wookie

I just got the coolest game last night: Lego Star Wars*. Sure, it's a kid's game, but the pod race took me longer than I care to admit. It really is fun to see the Star Wars universe constructed out of Legos. Plus it came with a free ticket for Episode III.


Blockage.

Bascially, you play through Episodes I - III, though I've heard that you can unlock Episode IV: A New Hope - or as I grew up calling it, Star Wars.

*Another Star Wars-related gift from my mother.

My "Empire" blanket

It being Star Wars Week and all, I thought that I'd repost this picture of one of the Christmas gifts that I received last year.


This'll be great for when I'm on Hoth.

My mom bought the panels when The Empire Strikes Back came out, with the intention of making a blanket for me...but she never did. She finally completed it 24 years later. It was quite a surprise. And it's comfy, too.

Crush of the Week: Princess Leia

You just knew that the Crush for Star Wars Week was going to be Carrie Fisher circa 1983. I wonder if Natalie Portman's character will have the same effect on the younger generation that Leia had on mine. Doubtful.


"Help me, Micah World. You're my only hope."

I got the above picture from Leia's Metal Bikini (no joke). Ladies, you can even purchase a replica bikini from that site. Aw, yeah!

Star Wars Top Ten goodness

The other night David Letterman had a whole bunch of Star Wars characters on to read the Top Ten. Unfortunately, it wasn't that funny. For Star Wars Week here at Micah World, I present you a couple of the funnier classic Top Ten lists from years past:

Top Ten Thoughts On The Minds Of People In Line For Star Wars
10. "Nice of Cher to loan me her Academy Awards outfit."
9. "First in line.... This'll look good on my resume."
8. "The babes should be coming over to talk to me any minute now."
7. "I shouldn't have to wait in this line -- I'm Carrie Fisher."
6. "I sense a disturbance in my hairline."
5. "Is that some sort of image-gathering droid?"
4. "Princess Leia... Princess Leia... Princess Leia... Princess Leia...."
3. "What I want is a prequel to 'Turner and Hooch'."
2. "This line better move soon, or Paul will have to host the show for me."
1. "What a couple of geeks."

Top Ten Star Wars Fan Euphemisms For Not Having A Girlfriend
10. Camping alone outside the theater.
9. My force is no longer with me.
8. The Death Star is not yet operational.
7. The Empire's striking out.
6. Shaking hands with the wookie.
5. Darth Vader has no place to put his helmet.
4. Oiling the droid.
3. Unable to set coordinates for the planet Babe.
2. Spending the night with Han Solo.
1. Tractor beam not powerful enough.

The coolest Star Wars roundtable discussion ever

Geeks are cool.

Empire magazine conducted a roundtable discussion between Kevin Smith, Simon Pegg, and Edgar Wright, where these high-profile Star Wars geeks talk about all manner of things regarding a galaxy far, far away. The Mallrats auteur meets the creative forces behind Shaun of the Dead and they dissect Star Wars minutia. You bet I was in Geek Heaven when I read the transcript.

Beware that there is plenty of speculation (and some known spoilers) about Episode III, so read at your own risk if you want to be surprised.

20k visitors! Chronic commenter giveaway!

Thanks to my loyal readers (and those wandering here through a search for "Lindsay Lohan too skinny" - seriously, I've gotten a TON of those peeps lately), Micah World hit 20,000 visitors this past weekend. As a token of thanks, I've decided to do something special for those regulars that leave copious amounts of comments and make this blog thing so much fun.


Wear yellow.

The first five regulars to make a request in the comments to this post will get their choice of one of the following:

-A Lance Armstrong bracelet (I've got five of them just laying around)
-A coupon good for one free French toast or apple pie redeemable at Burger King
-A custom mix CD: You choose the theme (hey, go nuts - I've got a HUGE music library) and I'll do my best to find the perfect songs. If I can't fulfill the request, I'll send you a copy of my Summer 2005 mix CD.

This won't be the last commenter contest, so lurkers get commenting! Yeah, this is all a ploy to satiate my comment whore tendencies.

Fine print: All requests must be made by Wednesday, May 18 at 11:59 PM. I reserve the right to refuse any requests. A "regular" is defined as one who has left five (5) or more comments on Micah World as of May 16, 2005. Prizes available while supplies last. Prizes will be sent out at my leisure. I may be generous and send more than one prize. Those that reside outside of the United States are only eligible for the mix CD and will be e-mailed the mp3s for self-burning because I'm poor and can't afford foreign shipping rates. Do not taunt Happy Fun Ball. Hot water burn baby. Void where prohibited.

Star Wars Week

Doubtful that you've heard the news but there's a new Star Wars flick being released on Wednesday. To honor it, I've proclaimed this Star Wars Week at Micah World. To kick things off, here's a classic exchange from Clerks:

Randal: What did you like better? Jedi or The Empire Strikes Back?
Dante: Empire.
Randal: Blasphemy.
Dante: Empire had the better ending. I mean, Luke gets his hand cut off, finds out Vader's his father, Han gets frozen, taken away by Boba Fett. It ends on such a down note. I mean, that's what if is: a series of down endings. All Jedi had was a bunch of Muppets.
Randal: There was something else going on in Jedi. I never noticed it 'til today. They build another Death Star, right?
Dante: Yeah.
Randal: The first one was completed and fully operational before the rebels destroyed it.
Dante: Luke blew it up. Give credit where credit's due.
Randal: The second one was still being built when they blew it up.
Dante: Compliments of Lando Calrissian.
Randal: Something just never sat right with me that second time around. I could never put my finger on it. Something just wasn't right.
Dante: And you figured it out.
Randal: The first Death Star was manned by the Imperial Army. The only people on board were Storm Troopers, dignitaries, Imperialists.
Dante: Basically.
Randal: So when they blew it up, no problem. Evil's punished.
Dante: And the second time around?
Randal: The second time around it wasn't even done being built yet. It was still under construction.
Dante: So?
Randal: So a construction job of that magnitude would require a hell of a lot more manpower than the Imperial Army had to offer. I'll bet they brought independent contractors in on that thing. Plumbers, aluminum siders, roofers...
Dante: Not just Imperialists. Is that what you're getting at?
Randal: Exactly. In order to get it built quickly and quietly they'd hire anybody that could do the job. Think the average Storm Trooper knows how to install a toilet main? All's they know is killing and white uniforms.
Dante: All right. So they bring in independent contractors. Why are you so upset at its destruction?
Randal: All those innocent contractors brought in to do the job were killed. Casualties of a war they had nothing to do with. All right, look. You're a roofer. Some juicy government contract comes your way. You got a wife and kids, the two-story in suburbia. This is a government contract, which means all sorts of benefits. Along come these left wing militants who blast everything within a three mile radius with their lasers. You didn't ask for that. You had no personal politics. You're just trying to scrape out a living.

TIV-uh-oh

Got the DVR on Thursday. Stopped working today (along with the cable itself). Nice. There goes my nearly complete archive of "That's So Raven" episodes.

Quick movie reviews (addendum)

Saw another movie today:

Hitch: Your typical romantic comedy. Enjoyable, but check your sense of reality at the door. Will Smith was entertaining, in his usual "my mom finds you so non-threatening" way. Eva Mendes was gorgeous. And Kevin James (always funny) brings to the silver screen the whole "hot chick/dumpy guy" sci-fi trend that provides false hope to schlubs like me.

Quick movie reviews

Just my take on a few movies that I've recently seen in the theater or on TV/DVD:

Envy: I love Ben Stiller. Jack Black's awesome. I really dig Christopher Walken. But I HATED this movie. I laughed maybe once or twice. Avoid it at all costs.

Crash: The perfect date movie...if you get off on white liberal guilt. Actually, it was a decent flick, even though it was a downer and its racial message was heavyhanded.

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: I was a huge fan of the books when I read them in my teen years, but have forgotten pretty much every detail of the series. This became a benefit when I sat in the theater because I could enjoy the movie for what it was rather than nitpick over the book-to-screen changes. Mos Def, Martin Freeman, and Sam Rockwell (who gave a Bush-esque swagger to his role as President of the Galaxy) all gave great performances and the effects were great. You just know that any movie that uses Alan Rickman as the voice of a depressed robot is a winner.

The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou: Disclaimer: I'm an unabashed Wes Anderson fan. Having said that, I LOVED this movie. Bill Murray is excellent (and overlooked) once again. The music (David Bowie covers in Portuguese!) is perfect. And it had the right amount of quirk. Napoleon Dynamite lovers, this is how an offbeat movie is done.

That's the news and he is outta here...again

Another Dennis Miller talk show bites the dust. After airing it for less than 16 months, CNBC has canceled his nightly show, which pulls in an average of only 114,000 viewers. The question begs: what show actually does well on CNBC?

I'm peeved at his being yanked off the air (yet again). Granted, Miller's show was pretty bad when it first started out, but it did get much better as time went on. And I just got a DVR yesterday and one of the things that I was looking forward to was recording his show and then watching it at my leisure. Oh, well. I guess that I'll have to settle for tonight's final episode.

Crush of the Week: the formerly appealing Lindsay Lohan

Usually my Crushes don't include the overexposed, but in light of recent events I've decided to give this week's honor to the formerly appealing Lindsay Lohan.


"Remember when I was healthy-looking?"

Ah, memories. Please, Lindsay, give up the nose candy. We miss you.

AMBER Alert: Lindsay Lohan's attractiveness missing

Lindsay Lohan ditched her nice red hair, got way too skinny, and lost her bodacious boobs (they must've been real after all). Guess there's a trade-off when you go to coke parties with Tara Reid.


Lohan with media whore Nicole Richie

These images are a stark contrast to the fine-looking Lindsay of old (ah, 2004) that I saw in the trailer for the upcoming Herbie movie today.


Am I too late for the Early Bird Special?

Seriously, she looks like she belongs in a bingo hall in Boca Raton.

Illegally blind

Marge: Have you noticed any change in Bart?
Homer: New glasses?
Marge: No, he looks like something might be disturbing him.
Homer: Probably misses his old glasses.

Two days ago I got my eyes checked out for the first time (I don't count those rudimentary eye tests given in elementary school). I figured it was about time because, ever since beginning law school, things would get blurry if I read or worked on a computer for a prolonged period of time. Plus, I am pushing 30 (ugh) and my parents and sister wear glasses (genetics?). So, I get my exam done and it turns out that I have a corneal astigmatism.

After a good chunk of time deciding between a bunch of frames that seemed to vary in difference only slightly, if at all, I chose these:


At least I won't look like Scorsese

I went into the exam thinking that if I needed glasses, I'd opt for the clunky, thick emo frames. Because I'm hip, you know. I then decided that I should not rely on my own instincts and let the (attractive) ladies that worked in the optomotrist's office pick out what frames looked good on me. So the above pair is what was judged to look best on me and will be ready in about a week. I'm actually looking forward to getting them. At least I'll look cool when I'm reading or surfing the 'net.

And glasses are expensive, too. People that sell them are always acting pretentious to rationalize the cost. They're always like "what would you like your glasses to say?" What would I like my glasses to say? I don't know. How about "I got a big dick." - Jim Gaffigan

Now that's ghetto

Spinners for your teeth. Make 'em say UGGGGGGHHHHH! 'Nuff said.

The three most wonderful words in the English language

No, not "full frontal nudity." Surf and turf! This was dinner last night.


Old Bay tastes great on anything

A filet mignon and a few skewers of shrimp. Only the addition of full frontal nudity could make life better.

Kentucky Derby schadenfreude at its best

As a perennial fan of the underdog (unless the Spiders, Buckeyes, Blue Jackets, Orioles, or Nationals happen to be favored), I was delighted to see 50-1 longshot horse Giacomo win the Kentucky Derby yesterday, with 70-1 Closing Argument coming in second. The fact that Yankees owner George Steinbrenner's 5-2 favorite horse Bellamy Road finished seventh: priceless (I'm no fan of the Bronx Bombers or any extension of the team). The face of Bellamy Road's trainer Nick Zito, who had four other horses in the field, upon realizing his loss was pure entertainment. I think my favorite moment was when NBC caught the reactions of who I assume was one particular owner's family immediately after the race and the wife was bawling like a baby. Your horse lost and won't put any money back into your family fortune. Cry me a river, babe. I tell ya, it was a great day at the races.

Things are looking up

Where do you go from "I'm Rick James, bitch"?

Production of Comedy Central's "Chappelle's Show" has been shut down and will not make its May 31st premiere date (this is the second times the season has been pushed back).


Coooold blooded.

Dave Chappelle has reportedly been absent from the program's set for weeks. There is speculation of severe writer's block or maybe a falling out between the comedian and the network. Or maybe Dave has gone completely nuts.

Hopefully, it's true that the season 2 DVD set won't get pushed back again, too.

For $50 million, I think that I'd cooperate. Hell, I'd do it for a Klondike Bar.

Clambake! (sans Elvis)

My week of grilled seafood dinners (except for Monday's BLT salad from Wendy's) continued last night.


No mercy for the ones that wouldn't open.

I threw some clams on the grill and then covered them in a garlic and curry butter sauce. On the menu for tonight: tuna steak.

Unrelated to food (except maybe in Korea): about 1000 greyhounds need homes and your help. Click here for more information.

I read the news today. Oh boy.

Is it any wonder why I want to leave Cowtown? The election results came in last night and Columbus voters defeated Issue No. 2, which would've struck a compromise in the city-wide smoking ban by providing an exemption for bars that get 65% of their revenues from alcohol. Just some points that are rarely brought up in this debate:

-The whole issue is framed as a public health one. It's not. It's a private property rights issue. The public health issue flies out of the door when you realize that the anti-tobacco crowd rely on fudged, sometimes outright deceitful, data. I can accept a smoking ban in public places. But why should the government be granted even more intrusion into the rights of private citizens?

-Every day the notion of assumption of the risk is eroding in this country. Only an idiot wouldn't know that smoking unhealthy. When you go to a bar, you expect to be exposed to second-hand smoke. If you don't like it, you can choose to stay home or go elsewhere.

-If there's enough of a demand, the free market will create smoke-free options. Just look at Applebee's and their decision to go smoke-free. This decision wasn't based on a governmental mandate, but from a business standpoint.

-Take a look at the most vocal anti-smokers: do these busybodies seem like the people that would frequent a bar? No. It is the perpetuation of the Nanny State - "I know what's best for you."

-For those with rallying cry "Think about our children!" I say: CHILDREN DON'T GO TO BARS.

-Smokers actually derive enjoyment from smoking. Some even make a trade-off: pleasure for health. This is a hard concept for the anti-tobacco crowd to grasp.

-People don't go to bars to be healthy. Alcohol's not good for you either. They tried prohibition for that and you know the outcome.

I thought that Issue No. 2 would be a fair compromise, even though I am completely against trampling on the rights of private property owners. After all, bar revenues in Columbus are down 35% since the smoking ban took effect. But it was voted down. I sure hope that all those in favor of the ban go out to bars a lot more often, if not to sustain business, then to save jobs.

Columbus City Council President Matt Habash was quoted in today's Columbus Dispatch as saying, "We're going after the statewide next." *shudder* Anti-smoking zealots, neo-prohibitionists, busybodies, and other members of the Fun Police...assemble!

And am I the only one annoyed by the self-righteous little shits in The Truth commercials?

Full disclosure: I am not a smoker, except for the periodic fine cigar. And occasionally I'll bum a cigarette from a friend at a bar to jokingly "look cool." But I don't inhale. :)

Get your culture on, Charlie Brown

So, who's up for a road trip to Cleveland? Until May 15, the Western Reserve Historical Society is hosting an exhibit titled "Good Grief", which allows you to "get to know the PEANUTS Gang-and (yourself)-in a whole new way." How could you not want to go to that? It sounds like a lot of fun.


"Call Waiting"

While you're in a Snoopy mood, check out the paintings of Tom Everhart - the only artist authorized by the late Charles Schultz to paint these classic comic characters. I remember seeing some of his paintings in a gallery at the Venetian in Las Vegas and was quite impressed, despite my dislike of modern art. Once I amass my fortune and start to build my art collection, these works will be the centerpiece.

I love "Doug Benson's I Love Movies!"

My favorite movie reviewer has to be Doug Benson. You may know him as one of the commentators on VH1's "Best Week Ever." His hilariously profane "I Love Movies!" column, which contains a bunch of brief movie "reviews," is always cynical and pulls no punches when bringing Hollywood's ever-increasing mediocrity to light. Some choice reviews:

HITCH: It's laugh-out-of-your-fart-hole funny! And fart-out-of-your-laugh-hole awful.

PHANTOM OF THE OPERA: A film version of a Broadway musical directed by Joel Schumacher. Somebody call Guiness, we've found the gayest thing ever!

HOTEL RWANDA: I think the Eagles said it best when they sang, "You can check out any time you want, but you can never be sure you won't perish in a horrible, senseless genocide."

VERA DRAKE: If you love abortions, you'll love it!

CLOSER: Just because Julia Roberts recently gave birth to twins, and Natalie Portman is young enough to be my younger sister, don't think I'm not gonna go to this movie in my trench coat and do what I gotta do.

SHE HATE ME: She not alone.

NEW YORK MINUTE: If I had to choose a favorite between Ashley and Mary-Kate Olsen (and thank goodness I don't!), I'd go with Ashley because she's already got a stripper name.

13 GOING ON 30: Gave me 6 going on 6 and a half!

THE GIRL NEXT DOOR: The good news: this isn't one of those turns-out-the-girl-next-door-isn't-really-a-porn-star-it-was-just-a-misunderstanding movies. The bad news: it is one of those girl-next-door-wants-to-quit-being-a-porn-star-and-you-never-even-get-to-see-her-naked movies.

MONSTER: Why would I go see an ugly Charlize Theron when I've never liked a movie featuring the pretty Charlize Theron?

MONA LISA SMILE: This (broken-down) Julia Roberts vehicle takes place at an all-girl school, yet none of the students experiment with lesbianism. I call bullshit!

LOST IN TRANSLATION: Because her first film depicted Kirsten Dunst committing suicide, and her second one opens with a shot of Scarlett Johansson's ass, Sophia Coppola is quite possibly the greatest director ever!

I AM SAM: Retarded.

"Do you have Princess Leia in a can?"

We're still a few weeks from the opening of the last Star Wars flick, yet there's already people lined up at the Grauman Chinese Theatre in Hollywood, even though there's no guarentee that the movie will be showing in that theater. Wanna have some fun with some nerds?

The phone number for a pay phone next to the line is (323) 462-9609. Give 'em a call. You've got free night and weekend minutes, anyway.

And in case you missed it before, here's Triumph the Insult Comic Dog riffing on the people lining up for the last Star Wars movie. Hilarious stuff. To one of the few women in line he says, "You've got your veritable pick of the litter. You can choose from all kinds of guys who have no idea how to please you."