This snowy afternoon I was driving home from my bar exam review class, pumping the Grosse Point Blank soundtrack. It contains classics from such artists as the Violent Femmes, Pete Townshend, and the Clash. Just a great album all around. There I was rocking out to Queen and David Bowie's "Under Pressure" when I had a realization: no matter how bad ass this song is (arguably the crown gem in Queen's catalog; Bowie's second best after "Space Oddity"), most people under 35 will instantly think of one thing when they hear those seven opening bass notes: "Ice Ice Baby." Now, I'm a big proponent of sampling when done creatively, but Vanilla Ice has forever tarnished the names of Messrs. Mercury and Bowie by his use of that riff. Surely, this violates some part of the Geneva Convention. There are certain remakes, samples, and misconceptions that serve only to devestate our entertainment and fashion landscapes.
In order to free the hearts and minds of the current population and to ensure the good taste of future generations, I propose that we institute pop culture interment camps. Those detained will be re-educated, A Clockwork Orange style. Some of the issues (read: Truths) on the plate:
1. Ice Cube made much better music when he hated whitey.
2. Trucker hats weren't cool the first time around. They're not cool now.
3. Everytime someone calls Kenny G's music "jazz" the baby Miles Davis cries.
4. Zombies don't run.
5. The Black Eyed Peas made two great hip-hop albums, which didn't sell. Then they hired a naked hoochie and dumbed down their music. This is called "selling out."
6. Believe it or not, Eddie Murphy was funny before he made movies for kids (notable exception: Donkey).
7. If you are seemingly doing an aerobics routine on stage, you are not a "singer." You are an "entertainer."
8. When you buy a Che Guevara t-shirt, you betray your trendy socialist ideals on several different levels.
9. Just because a movie is quirky, doesn't mean it is funny. I'm looking at you, Napoleon Dynamite.
10. There are two eras of the Beach Boys, both defined by its key member: Brian Wilson and John Stamos. One of these men was a genius deserving of his rank in the American music pantheon. The other banged Rebecca Romijn.
11. Uma Thurman is not attractive.
12. For anyone who thinks that their road to fame lies in reality TV, tell me who won Fox's Boot Camp. Or the names of the people on last night's Blind Date.
13. Han Solo shoots first.
If you know of someone who doesn't acknowledge the above, please have them report to the nearest person wearing frappuccino eyeglasses. I believe the War on Pop Culture Terror can be won during our lifetime.
Anything else to add to the curriculum?
23 comments:
You speak the truth, sister. Although I have one disagreement: "Arrested Development" was/is the last great sitcom.
But you hit the nail on the head with the rest.
Hmm. I'll agree with most of what you said.
Except the Uma part. She was sooo hot in the Kill Bills.
An ex once said he'd cast her to play me if they made a movie about my life... so I guess there's a hint of a resemblance. I mean, we're both very chemically treated blondes.
I know what WinZip is, but have no idea what the rest of that means.
Heh heh - same here, spydrz. Thanks for dropping by, Ria.
Mindy - Based on your first sentence, you need to be sent to the internment camp immediately. I'm also e-mailing you an mp3 of "Under Pressure."
Biologisvensk - very true. Do you really want to smell like Antonio Bandaras? Okay, bad example.
Kate - Yeah, it an excellent soundtrack. I love how "Under Pressure" and the scene with John Cusack staring at the baby goes together perfectly. Please have your former roommate report to the camp at once.
KTG - Uma, you ain't (and that's a good thing). She's just so - BLAH. And having her play the end-all be-all hot chick in "The Truth About Cats and Dogs" is the epitome of miscasting.
But I thought you enjoyed that Cats and Dogs movie.
I did. But Uma was completely wrong for the role. When the "shlumpy average girl" is way prettier than the "hot chick," your movie doesn't completely work.
You have to admit that Uma's career has done slightly better though. Granted, that has a lot to do with Tarantino's obsession with her.
Yeah, what is UP with that?
I never got it... it's very freakish and she should be worried. She may find herself someday wrapped in plastic in the back of his trunk.
Yeah, QT is creepy like that. And it's not like I don't enjoy Uma's movies - "Pulp Fiction" is excellent, "Gattaca" is very underrated. Uma is simply not attractive.
Oooh - thought of another one:
Despite what PC Hollywood may tell you, the main terrorist threat to our country is not a bunch of Neo-Nazis with nondescript European accents. There are such thing as Arab terrorists.
Y'all, we're starting to sound like the kids from Dawson's Creek discussing the latest Spielbergian effort. Just thought I'd point that out.
I got it!!! A CV is a curriculum vitae. Not a constant velocity joint, of which a couple are needed to make front-wheel-drive cars not only accelerate, but steer.
This is precisely why they are called "recording artists" as opposed to actual song writers or musicians. Sampling is simply another way of saying - Wow - I'd never be able to write something like that. And no, they wouldn't. That's a great freakin' sound track, btw.
frstlymil
http://www.millicentfrastley.blogspot.com
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MotL - Yeah, I'd seen pictures of her before she got all skanked out. Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes!
frstlymil - There's definitely lazy sampling out there, but when it's done right (like DJ Shadow), there's still some creativity involved.
Sliver - Please don't bring my ownership of "Coyote Ugly" into this - I was purely blinded by the beauty of Tyra.
Hey, I own GWTW too...if my favorite blonde Georgian socialite would return it to me...she's only had it since last year!!
spydrz - "Last year" was only 3 weeks ago.
I may just have to do some imbibing and put on my copy of CU...
When did I buy it? Thanksgiving in the 'Heights? Then she's had it since that Sunday. November to late January is long enough. No more Moon Pies for her.
Cutting off the Moon Pie supply is hardly what I'd call a punishment.
Not when it's a 48-pack of double decker Moon Pies from Sam's Club!
Christy - We'll just have to agree to disagree. I'd heard all of the hype for ND and went to see it and just didn't find it funny. It wasn't because of the quirkiness - I absolutely love "Rushmore" and "The Royal Tenenbaums." I'm pretty far removed from high school and I imagine you're right. The TRL kids in the theater ate the movie up.
Queen could be cheesy at times, but they are a hell of a band. And I agree - Freddie Mercury had a great voice. Stay tuned to the blog. In a day or two (or five), I'm gonna post some links for a few mash-ups. One of them uses Queen music and it is very well done.
As for Linus, back when I DJed I went by "DJ Linus." Always liked the lil' bugger - so young, yet deep. Once I moved onto law school, my friends dubbed me "DJ Kitten Killah." That's a discussion for another day, though.
I should add that Queen is the first rock band to be approved by the government of Iran (Mercury was of Iranian descent).
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/entertainment/3593532.stm
The fates over at BC sent me back over here.
I didn;t know Freddy Mercury was Iranian. You learn something new everyday. :) I thought he was actually Lebanese or Romanian or something like that. Some Eastern European country. (I know Lebanon isn't one of those, by the way.) ;)
Kate the Better Than Average
Kate - Thanks for stopping by. Who'd a thunk that I can be educational, too?
flirt - No problem! I enjoy your blog and games.
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